21 Mar 2016


Nigerian Spoken Word artist, Dike Chukwumerije has revealed 8 things he hates about being married to his wife, to mark their 8 years of marriage.

1. You are shouting something from somewhere, only God knows what you’re saying. So I look up from my desk and yell, ‘What did you say?” You shout back something, only God knows what you’re saying. So, I grumble to myself, get up, walk to the top of the stairs and yell, “What did you say?” And you shout back something, only God knows what you’re saying. So, I hiss to myself, walk down the stairs, to the door of the living room, and find you curled up on the couch reading. So, I take a deep breath and ask quietly, “What did you say?” And, looking totally surprised to see me there, you peer over your book and say, “Oh, I was just wondering where you were.”

2. If I ask upstairs, then ask downstairs, then ask before I start peeling it if you want dodo and you say, ‘No, no, no’. Then I peel it and fry it, sit down to eat it, and you sit opposite me – and in the name of ‘keeping me company’ – take one single dodo and put in your mouth. I hate it.

3. When I am sleeping and you wake me up because I am snoring. Honestly, before God and man, is it fair?

4. You complain and complain that you take care of everybody in this house from morning till night and nobody ever takes care of you. So I get up the next morning and say I will make you breakfast, and you act excited and follow me to the kitchen. Then I open the cupboard and select one pot, and you sigh like someone recently bereaved. So, I ask, ‘What is it?’ And you say, ‘That is my wok. I only use it when I’m making Chinese fried rice’. So I select another one, and you say, ‘Ehm, I don't use that frying pan anymore.’ And I turn around and ask, “Should I let you do this?” And you say, “Perhaps it is best”.

5. You come into the sitting room. I am watching a movie. You ask, “What is that?” I press the “i” button. You read the info and say, “This is a nice movie, why didn’t you call me?” I say, “Sorry”. You sit down. Three seconds later, you ask me, “Who is this man?” I say, “I don’t know. I have not watched the movie before.” Ten seconds later you ask me, “Is he going to kill her?” I say, “I don’t know. I have not watched the movie before.” Six seconds later you scream and ask me, “Will she die?” Honestly, I hate it.

6. You hold up 2 dresses and ask me to pick one. I do a quick ‘tun-bum-tun-bum’ in my head and point to the one in your right hand. “Really?” You look disappointed. “Doesn’t it make me look fat?” So, I point to the one in your left hand. “Really?” You look disappointed. “I think it makes me look short.”

7. When we are sitting at a table somewhere and a girl with a ‘look at it’ bum walks past and you immediately start looking into my eyes, and keep looking into my eyes till she has passed the point where I can only see the glory by very obviously turning my head… Honestly, before God and man, is this fair?

8. Now, you are frowning. So, I ask, “Is everything ok?” You say, “Yes.” And I go back to writing this article. Please, how is this ‘insensitive’?

Dike Chukwumerije is a 28-year old Nigerian, currently living in the U.K. He comes from a family of eight and spent his early years in Lagos, Nigeria. As a child, his father was a magazine editor and he grew up reading stories and poems written by my elder brother. He soon started writing in his own right. His goal is to change the self-perception of Africans through his writings.


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